Well folks, it seems I’ve finally removed the ol’ head from the trusty rump and gotten my shtuff together!  This only took, what?  Six months?  Way to be!

I have several new obsessions:

1.) Don Draper.  Good grief, sir!  Maybe you stop being the pinnacle of manliness in my mind?  Bring my poor expectations back down to a reasonable human level?  Look, guys.  It’s long been my dream to be a charming 50’s housewife without the awful oppressive connotations that go along with that.  Just give me a sundress, a cute glass pitcher painted with lemons and I will make you the best damn iced tea you have ever had!  Afterwards, I’ll take the laundry off the line, fold it, make dinner, and make you a cocktail or twelve.  And trust me, I could carry this all out ASAP but what’s lacking is my strong, successful, confident hubbie who is going to provide for me and spoil me because despite our bickering we’re still totally crazy about one another.  I’ve given this no thought, clearly.  And yet, true to form, I also have dreams of being a permanent fixture on Sesame Street–whims!  I got ‘em!

2.) The new season of 30 Rock.  For cereal, go on hulu and watch.  We’re only two episodes in!

3.) A new tattoo.  I’ve pretty much decided what it shall be (it’s small, Mom, keep your wig on) and now all I have to do is save for it.  Which is to say, don’t worry, Mom!  I’m broke.

4.) My upcoming westward adventure!  After a few bumps in the road, I feel I’ve finally figured things out to a level that is 100% crazy and uncomfortable but still doable.  If I live through this odyssey it will be quite a tale for future generations.  Plus, at this point I just really need to get out of Dodge.

5.) Teen girl pop.  Oh man.  This one is embarassing but so undeniable.  Any time I hear “Party in the USA” in all its auto-tune splendor or that Taylor Swift song I crank it and sing along.  I always joke about how I am an old gay man trapped in a straight woman’s body but its times like these that it really shines through.

That should do it for now.  I’m preparing for Halloween this week.  Right now I’m trying to decide if I want to go as Cupid or Kali.  Basically that question is asking am I a romantic optimist or wrathful goddess with a belt made of men’s heads?  Good question.

Coming soon: a bunch of drafts I’ve been working on and have delayed putting up due to lack of hustle.

The part of me that is a total lush LOVES champagne.  A cousin of mine got married on a vineyard in Napa a few years ago and I drank champagne the entire night though I had my pick of just about anything.  Champagne rules.  It’s like delicious soda that gets you saucy.  I’m in!

Anyway, the other day I went out to eat with Hammerson.  I ordered a mimosa thinking that it had been ages since I’d had one and it would really hit the spot.  We-he-hell.  I was wrong!  I’m not sure how you can mess up pouring OJ and champagne into a champagne flute and serving it but this restaurant did.  First, it came in a giant champagne toasting glass–the kind that’s basically a super wide, shallow bowl on a stem.  Big mistake!  The reason those glasses are for toasting and not sipping champagne is because the wide mouth causes all the bubbles to fizz out really quickly, whereas the comparatively smaller flute glass takes much longer.  So, the use of a stupid glass meant that almost all the bubbles were gone by the time I got it.  You know what flat champagne is?  Wine.  So I had wine and orange juice.  Secondly, there was a crapload of ice in it.  What?  Who ices champagne, that’s so stupid!  And, of course since the champagne was now only wine, it was especially stupid.  Even ice I could forgive if they gave me a straw with which to drink it but, alas, no.  So here I am holding my giant punch bowl on a stem, slurping loudly as I try to avoid the huge ice cubes and drink my wine and OJ.

Thanks for nothing, jerks!

It bears mentioning that this same restaurant also way overcooked my medium rare steak I ordered.  Survey says: F that place.  For you locals it’s the Good Times Restaurant and it’s incredibly overpriced mediocrity with lousy, inept service.  I said it!

On a more personal note, several important things have happened:

1.) My niece was born!  She’s a little peanut and of course being the first grandchild for my parents has put her in quite a position of spoiling.  Unfortunately this also means that my mom has lost her f’ing mind and will. not. shut up about Little Lex Luther (my niece, duh).  She says insane things that you can only get away with because you’re a first time grandparent.  My niece is two weeks old and she asked my dad “what did she look like today?”  What the heck can he possibly say to that?  “Oh, um…exactly the freakin same?”  No no.  I mean even if she did look slightly different babies look like babies. Oy.

2.) I got a job!  I finished a bartending course I started but in the meantime I’m going to work calling alums.  Wahoo.  But, whatever, it’ll pay some billz.

3.) I am alone again.  Hopefully not for too long, but I get the feeling it will be.  C’est ma vie.  I can’t say it really comes as a surprise, I am a needy woman and there aren’t many who are up for it.  Sometimes it seems like maybe no one is up for it.

That’s basically it.  My nausea and vomiting from anxiety is back again which also does not come as a great shock to me.  I foresee myself spending a lot of time alone and maybe that’s for the best.  I think I use relationships as a way to hide from everything that is plaguing me.  By throwing myself 100% into a relationship I can base my mood and self-esteem off of that instead of the other things going on around me which clearly is not fair to the other person involved.  Maybe I ask too much from people.  Maybe I smother them.  All I know is I look around at people in stable, committed relationships with such jealousy.  I want to be one of those people!  I want a partner in crime, full time.  Here’s hoping.

Anyway, I’m reading a book about Ellis Island.  It’s awesome!  More on that later.

This one time, from ages 17-21, I was gainfully employed at various jobs.  However, recently, my time in that wonderful bastion of cheer known as Bibliographic Services has drawn to a close and here I am, laying in my bed, sitting on my laptop, watching “Guido Beach” on youtube and eating birthday cake.  Two days ago was my 22nd birthday and it was pretty great.  Then again, everything is pretty great when you don’t have a job.  I like working and I certainly enjoy having money, especially given that I need to earn a few thousand before I leave for San Fran, but its just so easy for me to be lazy.  I’m good at it.  It’s where I excel.

Anyhoo.  I actually have several drafts that I’ve been working on but haven’t posted.  One of them was about sandwiches.  More on that later.

Today will be my family birthday party.  My mom ordered a special cake for me (Ace of Cakes style) and I’m secretly hoping (just a little) that it turns out to be a cake wreck.  For those of you not in the know: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ It’s pretty fantastic.

Other websites to check out:

http://findingmygoddess.com –> A quick note to the ladies of Bib Services: HE FOUND HER BUT IS ACCEPTING BACKUP REPLIES!  Truly, a gift from the internet.

http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/ –> The commentary is a little lame and the format is beyond stupid but, ya know, dude looks like a lady.

Just for fun.  A more substantial post will happen soon, I promise.  For now I have a lot of birthday DVD watching to do.  And again, a big mazel tov to the guy who found his goddess!  Yikes, right?!

I find myself falling back into old habits and old relationship roles.  Some of it is really nice, like its great to relate to my brother on the level we used to before we started fighting again.  That’s awesome!  It’s not as awesome in other ways.  I’ve lived on my own for awhile now, as an adult.  Living back at home makes me feel like I’m back in high school.  I have to tiptoe around others’ schedules and, unlike roommates, you can’t sit your parents down and tell them that some things need to change around here.  They pay the mortgage, they get to make all those calls.  It’s a weird feeling.  For whatever reason I also have been listening to a lot of emotionally-loaded songs from my past recently.  I just sort of stumbled on one and that opened the flood gates.  Which is obviously just what I need because my anxiety level hasn’t been high enough as it is.

This is war.  Every line is about who I don’t want to write about anymore.

Speaking of my anxiety, holy crap.  I’ve never had an enduring problem with it in the past but now I just sort of constantly have a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach that keeps me from eating well, so when I do eat I get nauseous.  It’s awesome, because I actually love food.  Everyone has commented that I’ve lost weight which is kind of nice but I’d rather be chubby than nervous all the time.  My romantic interest, Hammerson, has the privilege  of being someone who can alleviate completely and heighten exponentially my anxiety.  Shocking, eh?

This is the price you pay for loss of control.

As Banespa would say, I’m a ruminater.  I sit and I ruminate on what’s bothering me and figure out how it’s my fault, how I should have prevented it, and how it’s going to ruin some part of my life.  Then I worry myself into oblivion before maxing out, taking a deep breath, and not caring whatsoever.  The whole process can take up to a week.  A grueling, terrible week.  But then I genuinely don’t care anymore because mentally I just can’t–I’ve exhausted every thought about the problem.  It’s kind of cool once the torment is over.  I think the issue now is that I’m always expecting the worst possible outcome in many situations.  Sometimes it is bad.  Sometimes it’s worse than I even imagined.  And then sometimes it’s great or totally benign.  Growing up, man–it’s serious business.

The other old habit I’ve fallen into is laziness.  Without an academic schedule and a few thousand of my peers around I wait the extra day to shower, put laundry off until the last possible pair of underwear (grannies from about 10th grade), decide to save money and tweeze instead of waxing (which, when you’re lazy, equals unibrow), and spend weekends without ever changing out of my pajamas.  I think if I can kick these habits I’ll be more of a real person again.  What I really need (want) is to be back with my lovely lady lumps, Banespa, Crawlspace, and Leelee.  Those treasures kept me sane in a way you don’t appreciate until they’re absent.

God, this post is boring.  Seriously.  I swear to God I’m going to start reading again and posting on things that are actually interesting and not just sadsack Catalina Whine Mixers.

If it makes you less sad, I would die by your hand
Hope you find out what you want, already know what I am.
If it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again
You can tell me how vile I already know that I am
…Call me a safe bet, I’m betting I’m not.
Glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes you can forget.
If it makes you less sad, I’ll move out of this state
You can keep to yourself, I’ll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I’ll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint I will paint myself out.
…So call it quits or get a grip.
You say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed.
Call me a safe bet, I’m betting I’m not.
…You are calm and reposed.
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close.
You are second-hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins
Holding on to yourself the best you can
You are the smell before rain.
You are the blood in my veins.

I like the last couplet.  Er, I did a LOT in high school (I know, I’m full of shocking news tonight!).

Oh, the last thing I’ll mention is some really endearing news.  My soulmate and adopted older sister, Lucy, has lived my life before my eyes and now I’m here for round two.  To clarify, Lucy is older than I am and though I was there for the relationships and break-ups and whatever, I find myself in eerily similar situations to her.  But, she’s my boo, so that’s to be expected.  Anyway, I was having a chat with a guy she used to date that I still talk to.  He told me about how much has changed since they dated and how much he’s realized in his subsequent relationships.  One thing he wanted me to tell her was that he finally had a real understanding of all the garbage he put her through and was truly sorry for how he had treated her, knowing how hard she was trying to make it last.  It warmed my icy heart.  So, I called her and told her and it warmed her icy heart, too.  Soulmates!

Ugh.  Work in the morning.  I love the people I work with but Friday was really a white-knuckle struggle to get through the menial tasks a monkey could do.  If tomorrow is the same way I’m going to need to come up with some kind of game to keep myself entertained.  Maybe a drinking game.  Then everyone in the office can be entertained.

Also, Dave Matthews is lame.  Thank you and goodnight.

Probably due mostly to the fact that I’ve always looked young for my age, people in my life have generally seemed compelled at some point in our relationship to take care of me.  It’s funny for those who know me, because no one thinks that they’re protective of me (as I am tough as nailzzz) but most of the people close to me are, in a big way.  No complaints here.  Of course it never starts out that way.  Usually people meet me and assume that my sarcasm means I’m cynical so there’s no urge to coddle me.  I’m not cynical, for the record, just funny.  Common mistake.  Next time have a sense of humor and problem solved!

So anyway.  Today I got some good news which made me feel better about my bad mood yesterday, but that good feeling was tempered by personal troubles.  Par for the course where I’m concerned, it seems.  Old Man Trouble and I spend long evenings together flirting, catching up, ya know.  But he’s a cruel mistress.  Like the sea.  (I have this notion about the sea.  You know when you hear old timey sailors talking about the sea and its so romantic and harsh?  I eat that up.)  So, here I am.  Writing a blog like a productive member of society.  Livin’ the dream.

Back to my original point, it has always flattered me when I realize how much my friends and family really try to take care of me.  Banespa*, for example, a friend from college, is always worrying that I’m getting home ok and that I’m not upset about anything and I’m nice and happy/healthy.  Most people I meet get that way with me.  I think another big part of it is because I’m smallish and get sick a lot.  Most people I know have a nickname for me that implies my slight stature: Little, Little One, Peanut, etc.  My ex-boyfriend and I used to refer to each other as Little and Big as I’m 5′2 and he’s 6′4.  We’re wizards with the nicknames, I tell you.

But recently the aforementioned Old Man Trouble (P.S. this is a reference to an Otis Redding song, I’m not that cheesy) has been really nailing me over the head.  Mostly it’s my fault.  I’m doing that post-college readjustment thing and its affected my ability to make sound decisions, unfortunately.  And in typical Krista fashion, it only hurts me in the end.  So, I guess that’s a bonus.  At least I’m not hurting everyone else.  The whole point of my previous discussion was merely to set up the fact that tonight I’m feeling like I need to be taken care of because I’m all lonelygirl15 and feeling sorry for myself.  But boy howdy think of what the interwebz would be like if blogs weren’t filled with young people feeling sorry for themselves.  (Great.  That’s what it would be like.)

In case you were wondering (no one was wondering because no one is reading this) my hair turned out totally fly.  I took some pictures, they’ll be up when I’m less tired.

On that note, I thought I was getting sick.  Recently I’ve just been so busy that I don’t usually eat before or during work.  When I get home there’s never any food (as always) and I generally have plans with someone so I’m right back out.  Then when I get home its shower and computer/tv/crossword puzzle time and before I know it I haven’t eaten all day.  I’m gonna get so sick.  I already feel like a zombie.  I think it might be affecting my mood.  Ask anyone, I’ve been Mayor Sadsack lately.  Waah waahhh, shut up, Krista.  What is this, xanga?  LOLOLOLOL.

Actually, you know what, diplomacy be damned.  I have a certain someone in my life and I feel strongly for him.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like things are going to play out all awesome the way I had hoped with jetsetting adventures and carefree summer afternoons in convertibles and fancy dinners and obnoxious inside jokes and lazy days off filled with piggyback rides and gentle jokes at each others expense.  Nope.  Not for this gal.  Lonelygirl15 4 lyfe.  Ugh.  The heart wants what it wants, and other trite expressions for the lovesickness.  Big time ugh.  As lame as it sounds I always listen to Bjork’s “All is Full of Love” when I feel this way, which is kind of frequently sometimes.

Oh hey you guys (? be real, Krista), facebook is going to give us usernames!  Cool!  My real name was too confusing for everyone to remember, because they actually know me, so, it’s hard.  So often I sit on my facebook thinking, “What was DaLiLStuntaaahh119292’s real name in real life?  Think think think…” and I come up with nothing.  Thank heavens for this new feature.  Check please.

I think I’m being awfully snarky tonight.  Whatevs.  I have the crazy dehydration headache.  Eventually I’ll actually write about things I know which aren’t directly personal and anecdotal in nature.  Believe it or not I actually know some things.  To get the ball rolling I will start with some fun facts about myself and the world:

• I love movies and quote them constantly.  Keep up!
• I know the words to every song ever.  Srsly.
• I hate raw tomatoes like nobody’s business.
• I miss some friends like Kathie Lee misses being relevant.  Ba-zing!
• I watched a lot of tv in my college years and have recently dropped off in a big way.  Someone keeps trying to get me to watch Lost on DVD.  We’ll see how that goes.
• I have two armpits.
• Hamilton was never President of the United States.
• Phobia of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth is arachabutyrphobia.
• My Abnormal Psych professor got really annoyed when I knew the term for that off the top of my head.
• I knew that off the top of my head because I had an index card with that word on it taped to my computer screen for roughly 2 years.
• I taped it there because I thought it was a funny phobia and have a funny sounding name and wanted to look up the etymology of it.
• I left it there because I am lazy.
• I’ve never been addicted to anything except brown sugar & cinnamon pop-tarts.  Clean for years.  I can even have them socially now, if I want to.
• Addiction cravings only last roughly 15 minutes at a time.  The urge beyond that is mental.  Which isn’t to say its any less real or compelling.
• The technical term for speaking in tongues is glossolalia.
• I know that because I have a degree in Religious Studies, with Honors, like a boss.

And goodnight.

Today was kind of a crap day.  Obviously I don’t want this blog to turn into a 15-year old’s livejournal so I’ll spare the mundane details but I’m feeling a little blah today, folks.

It’s no secret that I’ve always pined for wavy to curly hair.  Typical wanting what we don’t have.  I’m not asking for a little fro (though that would be kind of badass) but just some kind of wave to spare me from the boring long, straight brown hair thing.  The point of all of this is to say that tonight I curled (am curling) my hair with rags.  I’m always too lazy to use comparable amounts of hair per roll and I never make the rags the same size so it always turns out a little trashy looking but it looks nice when I put it up.  Snooze, I know.  I told you I’m feeling kind of blah today.  Anyway, if it turns out ridiculous looking (more than likely) I’ll post a picture or something.

I’m realizing at this moment that I have no concept of time.  I thought I walked away for 20 minutes tops but it turns out it was an hour and 20 minutes.  Ugh.

Scratch that, my clock is just an hour off.  Turns out I have an excellent sense of time!

So if it isn’t already obvious, I’m going to begin each of my posts continuing the thought of what exactly it is that Krista knows.  I do in fact know a lot of useless trivia.  Test me, fool.

One of the things I know is possible business ventures.  Er, apparently I do.  I never considered myself a savvy business woman but that’s why I just come up with the idea and outsource the legwork.  That’s called brilliance, friends.  Anyway, more on this as it develops.  If it develops.  Which I hope it does!  My kindly uncle (who set this whole shabang up for me) would be well-served if it did and I’m always lookin’ out for my kinsmen.

So I was in (what my father calls) the executive reading room, otherwise known as the bathroom.  I was having a long think in the shower and these quasi-philosophical thoughts popped in my head, as they are want to do.  I was thinking about Nabokov and his whole spiel about how there is no pre-existence of the soul and and no afterlife.  There’s just nothingness on either side of our life.  For arguments sake, let’s take this as the worst possible scenario, as it is the scariest.  If it’s true, it makes life seem so much more important.  We just have this one tiny blip of time to experience the world and frankly, it makes me think I should be doing more.  So, in short, yes.  I am Professor of Obvious Elementary Philosophical Ideas at Duh University.

Recently, I graduated college.  It sucked, because college rules.  You get to be somewhere where someone actually wants to hear something you have to say (sometimes) and there’s all this great beer and silly times with friends.  Then you have this weird ceremony which is heavy on the bagpipes and all of a sudden you’re back in your old high school bedroom living with Ma and Pa and reconnecting with the few people you don’t hate from your home town.  Laaaame.  Fortunately, I have some baller friends.  There’s Lucy (Anastasia Beaverhausen) and BlubBlub, Yeshua and Chesty/Juicy, Funky and Booboo, Gavo and Burger, and other aptly nicknamed friends.*  Basically, I just introduced you to the people I’ll probs be writing about in here.  My friends from college will no doubt factor in as well.  Who cares.  Anyway.

So my big exciting thing today is I finally got my hands on the new issue of Saveur. (www.saveur.com)  I know, I didn’t make that fancy and html-ish but you need the exercise.  Think about it.  Anyway, the new issue is about TEXAS and it has lots of BEEF in it.  Ugh.  I don’t eat much meat, some here and there as a matter purely of taste and in no way connected to any morals or ethics.  However, I will lose my shiznit over a good piece of beef.  Or any meat, really.  Like lobster.  Holy crap in a hat, more than a few of my friends have been witness to my lobster eating and each and every one of them remembers it.  I don’t, but so many times over these 21 years I’ve heard a friend say, “Remember that time I came over for dinner and your family had lobster and you just tore into that thing like no one else was in the room?”  The answer is always no, but I believe them because that’s how a lobster was made to be eaten.  Let’s be real, they’re the cockroaches of the sea, they don’t really warrant anything more than an oily t-shirt and butter-covered paws shoveling the seafoody goodness down the gullet.  The end.

Moving on.  Lucy and I were just having a little chat.  She suggested that I call this blog Sex in the Sticks and wondered if I had compared men to shoes yet.  First, nope.  Second, I’m way too cool for a Sex and the City-style blog.  That stuff is trash.  It’s pure class to confess to the interwebz my heinous gorge-fest on lobster and I shan’t stoop to the level of cheap and tawdry thrills.

Anyway, I’m tired now and I have half a roast beast sandwich with my name on it.  I’ll leave you with a conversation my real friend Yeshua and I had once upon a time about a proposal for a the new Blackberry:

Yeshua: whats a blackberry snapshot
Krista: oh its this fake band my friends made up
Krista: nothing cool
Yeshua: shucks.
Krista: yeah, although I think we inadvertently invented the next Blackberry
Krista: that would be a great name for a new phone, I think
Yeshua: It would be cool if it was really large
Yeshua: like a cell phone circa 1987
Yeshua: but it was really shiny and they spent like 40 million for an ad campaign
Yeshua: and then everyone had a giant phone
Krista: haha, yeah and if it was still shaped like a big rectangle so it was really cumbersome
Yeshua: it didnt have a camera and you couldn’t text with it
Yeshua: but you could print stick on labels
Krista: and laminate sh*t
Yeshua: and it was also a univeral remote
Yeshua: for old zenith tv’s only
Krista: the ones with the turn dials for channels
Yeshua: perfect.
Yeshua: yeah, come to think of it I think you’ve really got something.
Krista: haha I need to get in touch with someone at Blackberry
Krista: we’ve just invented the wave of the future
Yeshua: I could see that on tv
Yeshua: Buy the new blackberry snapshot today and get a free jagermeister lanyard for your car keys.
Krista: Each purchase within the first month of release comes with a complimentary neck brace
Yeshua: I should have studied marketing

P.S. Are you guys watching 30 Rock?  You should be.  Or should have, the season is over.  That reminds me, if I write something that sounds totally out of nowhere I’m probably quoting something.  I quote heavily.

*Names have been changed.  Except Funky’s, sorry Funk.

Hey there, friends!  So this is going to be my preamble to what I hope to be a somewhat regular string of legitimate posts.  On this site I’m going to post about stuff I know, whether it be a movies, foods, people, useless trivia, good music, or my personal favorite– religion.  As of right now I mostly know procrastination as I’m supposed to have completed quite a bit of work and have not yet.  I also know that Red Bull solves most of my problems so that’ll likely be a large part of my immediate future.  Anyhoo, for now let me share a few things for the road:

I know good, entertaining websites.  Check out any of the ones on the side or, if you like metal and d00ds, check out my friends at The Viking: myspace.com/theviking  If you’re not into metal, check out the place I go most every day to stay abreast of my unquenchable desire for pop culture: www.videogum.com

That should keep anyone busy for awhile and also give everyone a much needed look into my twisted psyche.  Bon appetite!

I really don’t mean me personally but my website is…

I am pleased to announce that my new website is “Green”. It is hosted on site/provider that certifies a net zero carbon footprint. I know this is not a huge contribution, but every little bit helps.

To learn more about this please visit our webproviders We Are Green page.

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